![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
PSL (closed)
[The shop had finally settled again. It was a bit of a relief, because it hadn't anchored to a world in nearly two weeks, and Watanuki's food stores had started to run low. A shopping trip would be in order, mostly to replenish his nonperishable before the shop set out looking for another world in need of his help.
Usually Watanuki could guess when a move was about to happen, but sometimes it happened out of the blue. Like this last move, which had come so soon after arriving in the previous world. That usually meant that his services were in dire need and that people's souls were calling out to him, even if they didn't quite know it themselves yet. Watanuki would just have to wait for them to come to him.
His first visitor, at least, wouldn't take too long to get there. Watanuki always had a sense of when someone was to arrive, and as soon as the shop's gates had opened and revealed itself to the busy streets of Yokohama he had felt the impending arrival of a customer. It was enough to pique his interest, because he didn't usually get a visitor on the same day after a shop move. Someone was very perceptive, it seemed.
By the time his guest would arrive, Watanuki had already set up some tea in one of the sitting rooms. The summer was at its end, and the cool breeze felt nice enough that Watanuki had decided to open the movable doors to reveal the backyard, which was still bathed in the greens of summer. They could stay cool without the need of an air conditioner that way.
From there, he waited. He had a feeling that his guest was a particularly clever one, so he felt sure that they would find their way to the sitting room on their own.]
Usually Watanuki could guess when a move was about to happen, but sometimes it happened out of the blue. Like this last move, which had come so soon after arriving in the previous world. That usually meant that his services were in dire need and that people's souls were calling out to him, even if they didn't quite know it themselves yet. Watanuki would just have to wait for them to come to him.
His first visitor, at least, wouldn't take too long to get there. Watanuki always had a sense of when someone was to arrive, and as soon as the shop's gates had opened and revealed itself to the busy streets of Yokohama he had felt the impending arrival of a customer. It was enough to pique his interest, because he didn't usually get a visitor on the same day after a shop move. Someone was very perceptive, it seemed.
By the time his guest would arrive, Watanuki had already set up some tea in one of the sitting rooms. The summer was at its end, and the cool breeze felt nice enough that Watanuki had decided to open the movable doors to reveal the backyard, which was still bathed in the greens of summer. They could stay cool without the need of an air conditioner that way.
From there, he waited. He had a feeling that his guest was a particularly clever one, so he felt sure that they would find their way to the sitting room on their own.]
no subject
Watanuki faltered there for a moment, surprised by how open Dazai had suddenly become. Or maybe he was surprised by how much wasn't there to begin with. Was this really all grief on his part? Or had he always been this empty to begin with?]
And how has that been going for you, exactly?
[Watanuki didn't have all the answers, but he was hoping he could guide Dazai to find those answers on his own. Grief, in particular, was a minefield of emotions. And Watanuki hadn't really encountered someone like this before who was actually a human.]
no subject
Not when the focus of his grief was nearby, too. And Odasaku had seen how much of a mess he was in spite of Dazai maintaining mannerisms to make himself personable.]
It's the old usual, only worse on particularly bad days.
['Bad days,' specifically, because it was also true that there were okay and decent (good) days. Dazai's laughter, when it was genuine, was lighter, too. For how difficult moving behind the scenes was, he was also now spared from needing to use fear and intimidation as often.
Funny, how having less of a body count worked that way. There was something to be said for taking out Atsushi and Kyouka from previously harsh conditions, too, even if receiving displays of genuine gratitude was uncomfortable.]
no subject
[He truly did, too. There was a light of understanding then, like something he had heard before suddenly made sense to him.
So he dropped his line of questioning in favor of another one. His hands had been folded neatly in his lap, but now he reached up to indicate to Dazai himself. If Dazai allowed him, he would even cup one of his cheeks and guide Dazai to look directly at him. However, if Dazai looked resistant to the idea, he would refrain.
Either way, the words he spoke next were the same.]
What will you do now? Continue as you are? Or do you want to try and change?
[Because change would be preferable, but a man couldn't change if he didn't want to.]
no subject
[He sounded tired as he spoke, too, as he let Watanuki touch his face - a rarity in and of itself.
He could acknowledge that his own path was meandering, partly because the last time he had been too goal-oriented, the darkness he had chosen to surround himself with ended up obscuring whatever it was he was walking towards. Furthermore, he didn't think he was closer to finding out why life was worth living.
Maybe he was at a dead end. Stumbling block. Whatever.
Logically, it was also probably unfair to ask Watanuki for any guarantees.
(There were words he needed to hear - perhaps it was assurance, or something else. Dazai didn't know it yet.)]
no subject
[He didn't pull his hand away, and instead held it there a bit longer. Maybe the contact was helping to keep Dazai focused. Or maybe it made Watanuki feel secure in knowing Dazai wouldn't suddenly run away.
His curiosity was getting the better of him, and he wanted to know what ate at Dazai.]
The question is, what is it that sits on your heart?
no subject
[What's more, the only reason Dazai was able to spit out why he'd joined the mafia was desperation. His fear of losing Oda had outweighed his usual reluctance in revealing his own emptiness.]
When it comes down to it, there is no logical reason to continue living. What's more, the one person who managed to figure out my perspective died.
[Dazai knew other people saw the world differently. The very concept of life being meaningless was abhorrent to most, so Dazai didn't speak of it much. However, this came with the consequence of effectively isolating himself, and it was this loneliness that Odasaku pointed out with his dying breath.
What a miserable state of affairs, this was.]
While it is unfortunately true that, on the flip side, an ill-timed death is pointless, I might as well be a zombie half the time.
no subject
[He wasn't asking it to be pedantic or shut down anything Dazai had said. Rather, he wanted to know the reasoning behind Dazai's statement. He had no doubt that Dazai believed it, but he still wanted to know why.
After a moment, he thought to clarify his question.]
Why is there no logical reason to continue living?
no subject
Loss is inevitable: people change, die, move away, get caught up in so many little things. This, too, is a natural outcome.
[The longer he spoke, the more Dazai slipped to monotone. It was not delivered with his usual eloquence, precisely because never had expected to share this with anyone. There were also plenty of things he omitted, a cluttered mess of meanings that was a haphazard summary of years of thought and reflection.]
I'm not saying that change, in itself, is bad. It has its benefits on a wider scale. But what is the point of experiencing suffering as part of the consequence? In the grander scheme of things, what is the meaning of progress when the intrinsic quality of people, as a group, don't change? Oh, sure, the faces and names of individuals and movements do, but there will always be conflict between those who gain and those who lose.
As long as time keeps ticking, there is no finite solution to all of that. Just as there is no answer to why suffering, in itself, exists. It just is.
In light of that: why should I subject myself to more pain?
[Apart from what Dazai said, there were a few other factors he hadn't deemed necessary to mention, but ones Watanuki might find of interest: Dazai's inability to find any hobbies to stick with, for example, and his thoughts on why knowing people and getting attached were difficult.
The observations he had shared, so far, were from the perspective of someone watching events alone.
Loneliness wasn't Dazai's only problem. It was, however, one of those major things he had trouble admitting to, because it was personal.]
no subject
It also led Watanuki to believe that giving answers wasn't the correct way to go about this conversation. He suspected that Dazai wouldn't readily accept any answer to those questions, even if Watanuki thought the answer was obvious. Instead, what Dazai needed was a shift in his way of thinking, so that he would reach the proper conclusion on his own.
What a stubborn one. The stubborn ones were always the hardest to work with.]
That question is a significant one, but I have to answer it with a question of my own: Why is Oda-san's life and death painful to you? Life is lost every single day, and I am sure you are aware of that fact. But why is that specific loss so painful to you?
[Baby steps here. He was going somewhere with that line of questioning, but he had to take it one step at a time.]
no subject
That was a difficult one to answer.
Oda was - is - a lot of things to him. In the years after the man's death, Dazai had come to realize he'd fallen in love. Fat lot of good that did, when the person he pined for was six feet underground.
Even the simplest response was hard to say, but it'd have him use fewer words.
Maybe.
Dazai bit the inside of his lip.]
He's important. More than anyone else.
[Oda's presence defied even the sinking ship of cynical utilitarianism Dazai had found himself in. There was grief in being understood and cared for, and wanting to reciprocate. More pain when those were taken away, so soon after glimpsing its light.
There would be no one like Oda ever again]
no subject
[Watanuki probably could have specified what kind of things he wanted to hear, but he had a feeling that the answer would be more genuine if he left it up to Dazai to decide what to share. What was it about Oda that Dazai remembered most clearly?
Watanuki was looking for the emotions behind that answer, and whether Dazai went with positive or negative emotions would affect where he went next with his questioning. He also subtly glanced over to the other side of Dazai, where he knew a certain ghostly figure was sitting and listening. Yes, it was odd to ask about a man who was currently present, but he had his reasons for it.]
no subject
[Dazai shut his eyes a moment as he let the post next to him take his weight. This was a very, very long day, and the modified gun in his coat pocket was heavy.]
To the point that he can be unintentionally funny, when he mentions the most unexpected conclusions taken from a direct path from A to Z. That's just how he is: doesn't let other people tell him what to do or how to think, even if his stubbornness indirectly cost him his life. His character is as strong as the curry he likes, really: it's the kind of spice that's hot in the mouth, but creeps up in intensity when you least expect it.
My former boss has no qualms in letting go of, oh, supposedly underutilized resources, if the manner in which they leave is still favorable to the Organization.
...Odasaku is very kind, too, you know? Not that it's a value the mafia can use without manipulation in most situations.
[Here, he said no more, though the thought of Ango's old reports lingered: without those, Mori wouldn't even have time to bother with people at the bottom rung.
Chuuya was one person who'd be able to utilize the additional information. Mori, on the other hand, probably had less than wholesome ideas when he got his hands on them.]
no subject
He could also see the ways Oda and Doumeki were similar, and it made his heart ache with old memories of lazy summers spent on this very porch.]
It sounds like he was a good man, and he left a lasting impression on you.
[A comment, one meant to focus all of Dazai's given details to an easy-to-understand idea.]
no subject
He had five kids, too. [Finally referring to them outside of the confines of that curry shop, after all these years, still felt strange. Old habits of secrecy died hard.] They're buried near him. He didn't have to adopt them, you know. I found it unusual, in fact, but that's Odasaku for you.
Sometimes, I wondered why he asked me to save orphans. Was it because of them? Or did he find out something about himself when he raised those kids?
[He shrugged, looking at the space where Odasaku's spot of cold air was. In a way, Dazai had done so through Atsushi and Kyouka, although his own manipulative nature already meant that whatever good will there was in the act was already muddled.
Really, he sucked at this whole "good for goodness' sake" kind of thing.]
no subject
[Watanuki himself has never had blood-related children, but he's seen enough 'children of friends' and has taken in wayward teenagers for long enough to know that guiding youth does change a person. Maybe that was what Oda had wanted for Dazai, to find out who he really is through his actions with others.]
Or maybe he just saw your inner strength and wanted you to use it to help others.
[The cold spot remained silent, but it was there for Dazai to feel. Something about this conversation had to be correct, or else Oda would have made an effort to correct them.]
[1/2]
[2/2]
Surely you jest! Not him wanting me to help, mind, but I'm still undoubtedly the worst person to offer direct aid to another. No, no, I'm sure it's something else. Thinking my way out of a paper box is what I'm good at, after all, and not setting any examples. Even the Buddha would cry tears of anguish if I tried!
[Ah, but perhaps that was enough for the day? Dazai made to pocket the gun, the slight trembling of his fingers revealing his exhaustion.]
Will you need me to carry these around often?
no subject
[But yes, it was best to leave that until Dazai had a chance to discover who he was on his own. As much as Watanuki thought otherwise, Dazai still had a low opinion of himself, and he would need time to see anything other than the failure he expected to see.
So, in the meantime.]
You can carry them whenever you like, but it's not required. I'll let you know when you should be prepared for a fight.
[As it turned out, that time wouldn't be for another three weeks yet. It was early evening, probably around 7 pm or so, when Watanuki suddenly texted Dazai with an address and the warning 'come prepared'. There was work to be done.]
no subject
I'll expect your call, then.
[The guns went back to their case and the knapsack on the way out, and would be kept in their usual hiding place when he got to the dorm. No need to lose them during his day job! Or get a million questions by bringing them to work, where people were still getting used to him without bandages.
By the time the call came, he'd secured himself a holster, hidden under his coat. Dazai brought only one gun when he showed himself into the gate, predicting there might be a good chance Watanuki greeted him from the front door.
Wherever he found the shopkeeper, though, he'd give a cheeky salute, mimicking a bright-eyed police cadet.]
Yo!
no subject
Interestingly, he also had a lantern on a long pole, though the lantern was currently unlit. Hm. How curious.]
Hello. It's just going to be you and me tonight. I instructed all of our usual visitors to stay here for safety.
[This included Oda, who was vulnerable to attack since he was a normal ghost and all. He could stay at the shop and fret over Dazai until they both returned.]
Ready to work?
no subject
[Wasn't this a pleasant surprise! Dazai vaguely recalled Watanuki mentioning he didn't ordinarily go out of the shop thanks to other elements seeking his power - did he really want to stick his neck out for a neophyte? Or was his presence a necessity for his task? In any case, it might give Dazai an opportunity to further observe the man's abilities, so he didn't mind.]
I am, yeah. [Dazai tried figuring out where the cold spot of Oda was, before waving in that general direction.] Gotta say it's pretty strange though, to actually be out with someone at this time. Maybe I'll encounter something that'll be surprising.
[Any assignments he had with Kunikida or Atsushi usually were in the daytime, unless there were other factors involved.
Not to mention... well. Having only the vaguest sense of what was up, and needing to rely on visual cues to figure out what exactly Watanuki wanted. For starters, Dazai peered at the lantern to make out any designs and signs of wear.]
I didn't know anyone still used these, by the way. Didn't they go out of fashion a good few decades ago?
no subject
I sincerely doubt that you don't at least occasionally encounter 'something surprising' with that magnanimous personality of yours. Though I suppose you're not wrong in assuming that tonight is going to be different from your usual nights.
[That would become evident from the moment Watanuki stepped past the barrier. He was a little tense at first, like he was bracing himself for some kind of impact that only he was expecting. But after stepping through and experiencing nothing of note, he sighed and relaxed.]
Good. They haven't found the entrance to my shop yet. I thought I might have to move it already.
[Not that he gave any indication on who 'they' could be.]
I need to survey at least part of the city tonight, preferably on our way to our task. And if we can finish tonight's work without too much trouble, a grocery store stop might happen on the way back. I'm short on fresh vegetables and would prefer not to get into the canned supplies. I'll even let you pick our dinner, so long as you don't tease me for my outdated fashion sense.
[Yep. Just casually inviting Dazai over to eat once work was done, NBD.]
no subject
Perhaps no one using traditional firepower. Otherwise, Watanuki would've warned him, or so Dazai estimated.]
Now, why should I tease you for your current attire? I daresay it looks flattering on you.
[Look - he, too, could be a gentleman! A flirtatious one when the mood struck, but a gentleman nonetheless.
Dazai gestured at their general surroundings - hell if he knew which direction they were going to that required that kind of lamp - and offered his arm. Might as well, and dinner later was a bonus.]
A pity it's this late, or I might've requested for crab. [If canned ingredients were out and all.] How does curry sound?
no subject
Watanuki did preen a bit at the flirty comment, but otherwise left it at that. Flatter him all you want, Dazai. It just feeds his ego.]
Your request for crab would be denied anyway. I only cook with the real thing.
[No imitation crab sticks in HIS kitchen! That said, Dazai has just betrayed a like of his, and Watanuki will remember it. Be prepared for a dish made with real crab in the future.
But Watanuki, being Watanuki, will continue the discussion as they walk. He loved to talk, after all, and the chance to talk was not one he would pass up on.]
Curry sounds good. I suppose I can dig out the special ingredients so your friend can eat it as well. You know, that's what he usually requests when he comes over for dinner. He says I don't make it spicy enough for him though, which he will have to deal with since I'm not going to make a food that's all spice and no flavor. 'You can't taste it so it doesn't matter' he tells me, can you believe that? It doesn't matter if I can't taste it, it's the principle of the thing!
[And in turn, Watanuki ends up betraying a bit of his own secrets as well.]
no subject
His amusement, however, was cut short when Watanuki let slip that he couldn't taste anything. Dazai's first thought, of course, was that it was a possible medical condition, and unless there were more signs that it was anything but, he'd look it up later to verify what that was about. In the meantime, he wasn't about to spoil his, well, new boss' mood.]
I've tasted the kind of curry he prefers. It's actually flavorful, but the intensity of spice makes it hard to appreciate all the other ingredients.
Oh, but did he ask for seconds or finish the pot? That's a good sign he likes your cooking, even if he complains about the lack of heat.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)